an idealistic approach to old school mating

Recently, I was reminded of how far I've evolved on the subject of love. Having taken an extended break from relationships after my divorce, I now find my singular, narrow path beginning to widen. I am still blissfully alone, but have spent the last few months opening myself to other possibilities. Being alone is a marvelous thing though, especially if one is self indulgent, mildly ambitious and demanding. I enjoy my privacy. My spoils. In my imagination, in my fantasy world, I can have both a mate and my selfish stuff. I am aware that this is foolishness, or perhaps a rest stop between where I’ve been and where I am surely headed. But it makes me wonder what kind of relationship will allow me to surrender heart and body without surrendering all of my independence. Would some physical distance lead to a greater (and more peaceful) bond? Am I really going to care about any of this after I meet a good man? There is only one way to know for sure, so here is where I begin.

That I may now be ready for more than a single life is decidedly not my worst idea. Especially when one considers that I no longer worry about love fog. The oxytocin doesn't hit my brain the way it did in my youth. Since puberty I've been boy crazy. It's been a lifetime of distraction. In my youth I thought everything was easy. I could fall in love multiple times over the course of a year. I used to be excited about a new guy every month. Now? Not so much. It's a function of age I suppose. Experience, appetite, will and want. I am far more secure than I was as a younger man, but the idea of coming home to get ready for a date at the end of the day still makes my head hurt. Daunting as I sometimes find dating to be, it's still fun and exciting to interface with guys. Five minutes into any date is all it takes me to get over my initial awkwardness. Then it’s just a matter of whether I want the date to end and/or if we both want to see one another again.

Though I fell head over heels in and (almost a decade later) out of love with my husband, the bits I actually enjoyed most were laughter (especially at bedtime), taking turns with the cooking, being there for one another as partners and having really amazing committed sex. Selfishly, I was completely delighted that he walked the dogs on cold mornings and would take the car in to have the oil changed. I never minded looking after him or his best interests. I loved being a duo. Being a duo means sharing. Checking in. Thinking about someone other than myself. Being a duo also requires a certain amount of vulnerability. On the face of it, being alone should be easier. The questions I now ask myself when contemplating the choice of mate are: What am I running from? And to? And why?

I believe we are all responsible for one another. For love, for friendship, for life. As a society, we need our village not only to survive, but to thrive. And we must give in equal measure what we are able. Love forces us into action. Thoreau once wrote that "many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing it is not fish they are after." In my life I've experienced endless one night stands, casual relationships, cheating relationships, open relationships, three way relationships, the traditional model of marriage and a commitment to being alone. I’ve kissed loads of frogs. Will most likely kiss some more. There is no hurry. As I’ve stated in The Laws of Probability, “we can posture and pose but to end up with an appropriate mate, we have to be real” So this is me being real. Everything in life simply depends upon your point of view.