aka: men of a certain age part 2

for a man my age, i am in great condition. or so the doctor tells me. heart rate, blood pressure, body mass index, etc. internally, i'm getting older but most of the important stuff is working fine. tangentially, i discovered all of this during a recent emergency visit to wills eye hospital. nothing dire. a retina thing that serves to remind me that i’m entering the third act of a three act play. my life is forcing me to look again at what is present and decide if perhaps my judgements about myself have been too harsh. i'll admit to being a vain person. after all, beauty is my business. but vanity comes from a deeper place. physically, mentally, emotionally. what is my over-arching perception? sounds a bit overweening for sure. and i'll own that. a bit of arrogance sometimes has it's purpose, and though that's certainly not all that i am, it does exist as a small part of me. this point of view also encourages me to strive rather than knuckle under to the status quo of aging. as a believer in chemistry i understand fundamentally that sparks ignite a fire. first i have to get noticed, then i have to get close. we can posture and pose but to end up with an appropriate mate, we have to be real. whoever we may be. you can't fake this stuff. it is primal.

feeling good about one's appearance is wonderful. getting a certain type of attention is wonderful too. for a time. with my current dating apps, those who most often reach out are seeking immediate gratification. assuming we all need gratification from time to time... the rest of it is worth sorting. if there is even the remotest possibility that an intimacy might be formed, an attachment could occur... if nothing else, it gets me out there. it changes the energy i'm sending. and it forces other guys to take a look. who knows how the universe works? though you might not find me attractive, a friend of yours might be curious, and having seen me you can offer an assessment (mystery can be over-rated). yes, i have done the very thing at which i scoffed. i now have a shirtless picture online. and you know what? it looks okay. that was all it took. to take the damn picture and then decide how i felt. a few months ago, i was a naturally skinny guy with a softening middle who let someone snap a pic in a bathing suit. not my best self-esteem day. my frame is small, chest muscles have been torn, shoulders won't get any bigger, so it is the waist that must conform. the visual i saw on camera was enough to get me to cut out fried foods and exercise my core. *my current 134lb is my highest weight ever. i eat and eat and never gain weight so please don’t make any assumptions. vanity is not always a bad thing. today i feel sexy and with the help of our duross & langel retinol cream, my slightly reconfigured skin is smoother, tighter and softer to the touch. yup. that was a plug. even if i am all alone and the only person touching my chest, it makes me happier to feel good about the skin i'm in. the internal (mental, emotional, spiritual) stuff? that's another matter.

upon re-entering a solo life, i spent a great deal of money seeking the help of a mental health professional. $185 for fifty minutes each week. in splurge world that’s like buying two pairs of finely made shoes from the uk each month. but it was worth every penny as the lessons learned have made me stronger. in these intervening years i've grown roots deep enough to anchor me firmly into my dotage, and the goal for therapy was not to fix me. the goal was to learn how to reconcile the past, cope with the present, and offer myself hope for the future. and now? the future is here. it's not scary or complicated or exactly what i planned but it's good, and i have finally found a way to love myself. if you've ever read my blogs then you already know where i am on the spiritual path. while at the moment i show signs of narcissistic tendencies, capitalist entrepreneurial socialism is my god. the rising tide lifts all boats. my emotional state can be contingent upon time between meals, proximity to sugar, and where the business stands financially at any given moment. basically a fifty-fifty crap shoot. so when i ask myself “where do i see myself in the dating/romantic scheme of things?” that would be where the law of probability comes in. let me break it down with a simile:

i begin by standing in a vast ocean of available men. then when we factor in my age i am standing in a lake. factor in my/others sexual guidelines/needs and i’m in a pond. that i'd prefer a man close to my age? a pool. that i'd prefer a guy who is under 5'11"? baby pool. fairly healthy bmi? shallow. barely ankle deep. maybe one in a million chance. but you know what? that's okay too. whatever is going to happen is going to happen. it's taken me over fifty years to sort out my shit, and whether it's dating apps or social media or simply new ideas in general, i won’t allow myself to get left behind. that the probabilities have diminished only serves to offer me a more refined choice of mates.

so i tell myslef that somewhere there is a guy out there who doesn't need me to complete him, who wants to climb mountains (literally), enjoys his own successes (however he defines success) and personal goals while sharing similar values. we might one day be lucky enough to cross paths. we might even find one another attractive. the probabilities are quite low for men of a certain age, but why not have faith in the idea anyway.