with my fifty-sixth birthday in the rear view mirror, i find myself still eager to learn what lies ahead. as of today, life is not all that different from a few years ago. the mundane bits are unchanged. work life, home life.. same same. yet a key factor in my eagerness might be the sense of hope i hold for the future. the things i have planned, the stuff i have yet to discover. plus i'm beginning to feel surprisingly wonderful in my own skin.

six years ago i was lost. i was all alone for the first time in almost a decade, worrying where my life was headed. i had enough faith that everything would sort itself out eventually, but i sure as hell wanted it to go faster. i wanted the process to be easier. it didn't. it wasn't. and for that, i am truly grateful. had it all passed sooner, had it been easier, the transitional experience of the last few years would be devoid of wisdom. the fullness of the journey would not have sated. so many of my peers, straight and gay, leave one relationship only to fall swiftly into another. "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." at least that's what i like to tell myself on the rare cold, lonely night.

last autumn i laughed at the idea of using a dating app. there was a part of me left wanting by the apps. mostly old feelings of inadequacy, failure at the process, not wanting to look the fool. it took me a while but eventually i engaged, and though i have not found it useful for dating, it has taught me to view myself from a different perspective. in order for me to see what others might see, i actually have to make myself vulnerable. that includes images. pictures. the skinny, awkward kid who is now growing older has to show up on other people's phones. the more i began exploring self imagery, the more i felt empowered to put myself out there. to shed old ideas of what i looked like. to find the present me, the one reflected back through the lens of a camera phone. it's crazy yet effective. below are my public and private app pictures. my comfort zone. today.

my friends have a good laugh when i recount my experiences on the apps. though not sure what my expectations should be, it's begun shifting my self perception in a positive way. there were five apps that i chose. hornet - or as i called it the whore net (deleted), our time - geriatric grindr (deleted), the league - anyone over fifty? no? (they refunded my subscription), scruff and grindr. i have no derisive comments about the last two. while it’s not really my jam, they serve a purpose for the community that yields plenty of results. it took me a while to realize it's unhealthy for me to go more than six months without the benefit of a grown man's naked flesh against me. frankly, if he is a good kisser i am satisfied. these two apps allow the user to state without guile what it is they want and will do sexually. for anyone who remembers 70's colored kerchiefs in the back pocket, this old school signaling is extremely effective. good for most. not for me. what i am willing to do or not do sexually is dependent on the guy, the situation, my comfort level and point of view. so naturally i left that part of my profile blank. alone with any guy, i treat sex like a menu. on the left side we have an array of tantalizing small bites with the most delicious choices of mezzo plates. if i get to know you and really like you, together we can enjoy the right side of the menu. perhaps switch plates half way through? i don't list my personal needs on the apps. or send dick pics. dicks are a whole other conversation.. i fell in love with my dick when i was five. it has been and continues to be, a favorite part of my body. i think it's perfect. if some guy came at me with my dick i would think it was heaven. not too big. not too small. just right... but apparently a lot of guys are looking for a big dicks. and younger guys with big dicks. or younger guys who want daddies with big dicks. whatever.. so long as big dicks are involved. having been built for comfort and not endurance, i enjoy the visuals and keep scrolling.

the apps are fun and easy. i don't have to stand in a bar or make idle small talk while i awkwardly fidget. i can sit on the couch watching netflix while i chat up a stranger. yes, it limits certain aspects of the experience, however a limited experience can be wonderful. in the past, it would take me a half dozen dates to realize the guy might be a prick. but now with the apps, i can usually spot prick tendencies within 24 hours and choose to ghost. if nothing else, it changes the energy i hold about opening myself up. while taking none of it seriously, it spurs me on to becoming the best version of myself that i can be. physically. mentally and emotionally. whatever comes next is most likely a one-on-one experience. i'll know more when it connects.

until then, the apps remind me daily that i am whole and complete and to some, still sexually desirable. and that, as i have come to learn, is worth more than gold.