over time i've developed claustrophobia. what was once the annoying frustration of a five year old locked in a closet has bloomed into a pestering spacial nightmare. on a plane, train or subway my coping skills are varied. a packed theatre means a seat on the aisle by the door. a crowd of cheering eagles fans however is beyond my limit of endurance. my form of anxiety is best mitigated at home where the soaring ceilings and vast walls of windows make me feel secure. that i have to enter an elevator to climb the five floors to my loft is an ironic testament to my reality. everything involves some measure of thought. when taking the train to any large station, a crowded concourse is no place to be feeling unsure of myself. small. trapped. especially when i am trying to find my way in a foreign city. on these occasions, i find a quiet spot in which to get my bearings. once this is accomplished, i summon up a modicum of confidence and authority. running a small business is not so different.

since christmas, i've been emerging from a time of doubt, as if the new path chosen is perfectly correct. as i set out to create a better future for myself and my team, i am inclined to encourage building it brick by brick. piece by piece. slowly. with care. except it is raining. the temptation is to hurry. to sling the components together in any way i can. to get something put up so we all can enjoy some warmth and comfort. yet the rain right now is only a drizzle. we need to build a structure that can withstand a storm. if we make it properly, we can even include a fireplace which will allow us to stay toasty and warm, regardless of whatever weather brings. so even if we are growing wet and weary, we remain diligent. for all signs insists that we now have all we need to make a lasting difference to our future lives, provided we go slow and proceed with a commitment to quality. there are things on the horizon for our businesses to help them grow. we just have to find that quiet spot in the busy concourse to gather our wits and get our bearings. this time i have help. serious help. not just hope. and it lifts a great deal of weight off my shoulders.

part of recognizing mistakes of the past is having enough time from the actual event so that a fuller perspective can kick in. i don't mind making mistakes. they teach me. but making the same mistakes over and over, well.. that's just stupid. i've had enough time to conclude that my mistakes and missteps have an arc. since a single misstep can take a couple years to fully bear spoilt fruit, the momentum it creates offers more opportunities to create more mistakes. eventually, the pieces are going to begin flying apart. hopefully, it'll coalesce the good that still remains. whether it's true or not, i like to think my current arc places us on a new trajectory. we will see.

on the subject of my inherent laziness... experience has shown me that people who think they work harder than everyone else are missing the greater point. they don't work harder. that belief is a coping mechanism for feelings of inadequacy. for me, measuring accomplishment begins with one's level of satisfaction. then look at the sales numbers. actual commitment of time and energy. commitment to the team. it's easy to think we know best. it's difficult to actually get things done. i figure that if i am able to feed and dress myself, get out of the house and function, if i can still see that quality goes into every jar and every service, then i've accomplished something. if i've made it look easy, i'm on the right track. when everyone is working as a team where all contributions are valued, achievement is possible. a reason to feel fulfilled. recently, my salon partner rachid articulated how negativity effects his ability to do good work. it was concise yet brilliant. on this year's list of things to do is negate negativity. almost everyone shares this goal. yet it's taken me years to learn how to tell people that if they were not happy, they should go. my mistake? over-valuing what little energy and income a person can give to the business (the bottom line) over the long term negative effects on the group. in any business people come and people go. when someone thinks they are more valuable than another... it's time to go. we will always have days when we give more than others and days when we simply coast. any ability to succeed while enjoying less work and stress is directly tied to the positive contributions of all team members. my flaws are many, i can be loud and sometimes pushy. but even when i yell "let's go, let's go!" there is no one on earth who should take me with absolute seriousness. i am not the parent NOR am i the superior. i do however need trust and respect in order to build our business. when we stop believing in one another, that's the game. so i cannot afford to make the same mistakes again. not with myself. not with others.

it's tax season. i don't mind paying my fair share of taxes. often people think having your own business means you make a lot of money. we generate money. we stimulate the economy. we build jobs. we collect and pay the government (state, local and federal) a lot of money. i cannot speak for sarah but i take whatever perks are possible, collect a salary that is feasible and spend my every last dime on travel and comfort. my accountant and financial advisor just shake their heads. "what retirement?" i tell them "this is what i'm going to do until i die". if everyone (in my personal view that includes all corporations, non-profits and churches) in the u.s.paid their fair share of taxes, it would make life more manageable for everyone.

if you follow me on social media, there will be times when it looks like i'm living large. it's social media people. like many of you, i only post the good stuff. this year will see me traveling as often as i can barely afford. for a couple days at a time i'll be visiting favorites like Miami Beach, and first-time locales like Palm Springs and Cancun. my goal is to enjoy experiences beyond my daily life, find inspiration outside of my comfort zone, and to see as much of the world as possible before my parts wear out. besides, everyone loves me more after they've had a little break... er, i've had a little break.

anyway.. sometimes doing nothing frees up the soul for everything. well, that's my theory.