I like sex. Alone. In pairs. Once upon a time in threes. Sex is a way of surrendering myself to the moment. Where I can simply let it all go. It’s been going on since I was twelve and there are no signs of it abating. Frankly, I never ever would have conceived that at fifty-six I would be feeling the power of good sex more keenly. With a lifetime of practice and ample opportunity, you would think I’d have it refined to an art form. There is always room for improvement.

I remember my first grown up boyfriend. Sex was meh but he was cute. I wanted a boyfriend and that was the reason we were together, albeit briefly. I was desperate to have someone I could call my own. When I was younger it was easy to overlook the obvious. A bird in the hand and all that bullshit. This particular dynamic was to create loads of negative situations throughout much of my adult dating life, but when you factor in the advent of AIDS and the vast loss of friends, it’s easy to see why my generation valued pairing and monogamy as the endgame. It was a survival tactic. For the next ten years I continued to make pairing my ultimate goal rather than pleasure. With some boys the sex was heartbreakingly wonderful. Most of the time it was just okay. When the inevitable occurred, I blamed myself. In some measure this was true because I failed to look for what I needed from a relationship. I valued myself less than others, and I valued pairing and society’s point of view (judgements) more than my self interest.

In the early nineties I was a volunteer safer sex negotiation coach. I worked with a group called SafeGuards. We went to book stores, bath houses and back rooms. Anywhere people were having sex, we were there to hand out condoms. We also taught a Sunday morning course on negotiating safer-sex. This is where I got the idea to treat sex as a menu. Break it down into things you and I are willing to do in any particular situation. Not only being comfortable about our choices, but owning our choices and our bodies. Asking for what you want. Something no one had ever taught me before. I was raised to go along to get along. Be a people pleaser. Just be grateful you got anything. Though I can go along to get along, I am a dismal failure at people pleasing (thankfully) which has opened me up to a great many things that make me me. My work with the SafeGuards was the beginning of exploring my feelings surrounding sex apart from love and pairing and romantic connection.

There are times in life when compare and contrast are helpful. When we don’t know what it is we are looking for, we can use those around us to measure what we think we might like. While television and films are changing, growing up with TV archetypes was not helpful. The unreality created unrealistic expectations. But family and friends.. their examples run deep and close and full of learning. Seeing the way familial relationship have been built and what agreements ultimately present themselves offer me an opportunity to say yes, I’d like that or no thank you. My life has been filled with heteronormative relationship examples that run (at times careen) along a track tied by mutual need. Marriage, mortgage, children, debt.. coping or numbing. Alcohol or food. Controlling. It is often perceived as easier and cheaper to stay together rather than risk what you have for something that might or might not offer a greater sense of happiness. Not vastly different with my gay friends. Change out the children and the debt for beach houses and disposable incomes. Everyone values something different. I have to remind myself constantly that just because I don’t always want what others have, there is no less value in the choices they’ve made for their lives. Any negative patterned reactions are the leftover shit from a childhood where family cared more about how things looked than felt. Now I watch that shit slowly slide into the next generation, and then into the next.. and I feel like odd man out. The thing is.. we all judge. We are all to some degree shady. It’s simply a choice of who we want to be, how we want to show up and what shit we are willing to jettison.

As I write these thoughts, polyamory is all the rage. Freedom to openly love whomever and whatever you want. I say YES! to these choices. Sexual fluidity. Gender fluidity. Tearing down heteronormative concepts. I am learning to live in a bigger world where everything is possible. Still cannot embrace all of these as choices for myself, but I do celebrate everyone else’s choices. Wish everyone could get onboard with the idea. depending upon the day and the company, there’s always eye rolling. But then I can’t say I am not used to a certain amount of eye rolling about some of my choices. Guys get weird when they find out I’m sober. As if my personal choice of sobriety judges their choice for drinking. I am more than good with other people drinking or smoking up in social situations. One big boner killer though.. guys who don’t know where the line exists between a drink or two and being a lush. I can’t relate with a guy who is constantly (or daily) looking to be numbed. I’ve been working on a softer delivery style when sharing this point of view but let’s see how that goes…

As a member of the growing LGBTQ+ community, I feel as though we have hit a place where a plurality of folks want to be allied. Where the rainbow and pride are now a tool for the marketplace. I’m not yet sure how I feel though I am definitely pro anything that moves the needle for those in our community who are still struggling. This year marks the Stonewall 50th Anniversary. The first gay pride was a riot. Transgendered people of color were the ones who first summoned the rage and courage to hold the line. That is the truth. Plainly. People are finally beginning to understand the correct history. Everything we’ve been, where we are today, and where we are headed tomorrow gives me an enormous sense of pride, and I am grateful for whatever small part I may play.