at fifty-five, i feel younger than i did when i turned fifty. i feel it physically, emotionally and spiritually. the day i turned fifty, i had to face that that meant something to me. my marriage had just come apart. i felt unsteady, weakened and i lacked real focus. my job and my work-wife were all that tethered me to reality. from my attitude to my aura, i was depressive. people could not get away from me fast enough. i was eeyor. the funny thing about break-ups is that they are uncomfortable for everyone within psychic reach, but especially so when one (me) isn't coping with the situation. the upside is that after a long and brutal process, i hold a clearer perspective on my life. that includes my friendships.

having grown up as a white male, from a very early age there has been racist speech around me. when i was young, people felt it was completely fine to share their hate speech. as i grew older, it morphed into a more subtle form said in a "you know what i'm talking about" tone. though the overt hate speech i encountered died off with an entire generation, i am ashamed to say that it took me much longer to offload the more "you know" friends. some were supportive and caring when my life fell apart, and were there for me when i needed a friend. but finding my way out of the mess also meant clearing out the people who held opposing moral values. it becomes corrosive. you know? pretense is a funny thing. so much of community relies on the social covenant of pretense, and i am not at an age where new friends are plentiful. yet the things we let go often create space for the things we really need. never would i have imagined it would take this long to feel good about myself again. am i a better version? time will tell.

dating apps... i leave shortly for a holiday in london and edinburgh (a travel blog complete with the various barbershop visits is to follow). it was suggested by much younger staff members that i might wish to download an app called scruff. begin chatting with men abroad in advance of my trip. they feel that some male companionship would be an act of community service, from which the entire world would benefit greatly (read: i'm uptight and need a good lay). hrmpf. for the record, i am no prude. in fact, i am the opposite of a prude. having spent decades enjoying the passions of many men... i can easily get onboard almost any technological improvement to modern life but this? even if you were so inclined as to desire seeing me in my underwear, i cannot fathom posting it online. "wolfing" as a form of greeting. please. if 90% of the profile pics are mostly some form of undressed, you cannot claim it is a dating app. in the new and exciting world of online rejection, um....i mean dating, i think i get to skip this particular experience. besides, as an old-fashioned believer in chemistry (see hustler blog) i'll take my chances with an unfolding universe even if the vast stream has become a trickle.

i've been internalizing something i borrowed from another blogger which now lives on my me page. "your self-worth has nothing to do with your craft or calling and has everything to do with how you treat yourself." the idea resonates to my core. something about the way we choose to embrace our life choices encourages me to be less bound to striving for normalcy. if i can love myself the way i am, i am more able to love you as you are. self-worth, or the lack of it, profoundly effects us all. we don't get to choose how our lessons arrive,. for this i will simply choose to be grateful.

last thought... recently, i've landed squarely in the conversation of value. how do i value myself vs how do i allow others to value me. it will not be a short conversation. as a business owner, i take my sense of fiduciary duty as a moral imperative. it has caused me to make varied choice, and will most likely create more problems in my life than it will ever solve. it is however, a covenant. more valuable than i could previously have imagined. a point along our compass. what comes next from this conversation is anyone's guess.