years ago my sister-in-law had an old uncle named buck who showed up for every family event. he was a nice old guy, but for me personally, not relatable. buck and i had nothing in common. though he always made attempts at conversation, with me it stalled after two minutes. he sat at the end of the sofa watching the game with the other guys. i don't even know if buck liked sports. i saw uncle buck as a part of the family holiday tableau. so if we were posing the last supper, buck would have been way down on the end with the lesser apostles. pretty much where i find myself now.

i choose my work as my life. anyone who knows me understands that i have no desire for this to change. it won't be separated out. my first husband would testify to this. though his name was on the door, he loathed talking shop. it bored him. i bored him. we didn't share those fundamental things in common that healthy relationships run on. but i make no apologies for my choices. this is the life i made for myself. it's what makes me happy. more often than not, when i begin droning on about work, i make an attempt to catch myself and ask if i am boring the listener. if the listener isn't saying "yes, your shop talk is boring me" than oh well. it's not dissimilar to most people who talk about their kids, or their house.. so my stuff may not be as relatable to some (shrug) but that's life.

i am as enchanted by my businesses as most people are about their kids. a swirl of the ordinary and extraordinary fills my day. it is rare to find good people who connect to this kind of daily life in a shared way but i am most fortunate in finding several. people who make me laugh and don't take themselves too seriously. who understand we are all in the same little boat. as with any business, there are always going to be outliers. people who come and go. nobody ever gets everything they want. though i am not the center of anyone's universe, i have the good fortune to live out loud in a universe of my making, doing my thing every day. others may benefit from this process, add to the final product. but ultimately, like most people, i strive to please myself. everyone, to some extent, is selfish. almost no-one likes to admit it.

and therein lies the rub.

though i love my kin, we don't always relate. i'm lousy with chatty conversation on the phone. it can often take on a round-robin bitch-fest tone and i am the worst offender so i don't look for reasons to call. family dinners, parties and random gatherings can be, for me, an emotional minefield that brings out either my best or worst. i never know until immersed what the occasion will offer. my nephew is getting married in two weeks so right about now, my anxiety begins to swell. for example: someone told me that my sister wasn't invited to the wedding, which is totally odd because why wouldn't she be? that is just absurd. there must have been some kind of mistake. a screw-up of sorts. my sister, god knows why, didn't ask if there was a reason she didn't receive an invitation. if you follow reason far enough it always leads to conclusions that are contrary to reason. anyway... i took the bait and i texted my brother to let him know that my sister didn't receive her invitation, could it have possibly been lost? getting involved as a fourth party from a piece of information given by a third party about a second party who wouldn't communicate to the first party was my original mistake. using reason in this situation was my second mistake. the stream of snark in the reply was expected. rather than a heads-up about someone not receiving an invitation and having their feelings hurt, it became about my meddlesome nature. how i was creating problems. causing unnecessary fuss. i guess i should begin heading down to the end of the table next to andrew or thomas. and i ask myself "is this how i show up?" my take-away is twofold: at the very least, my original assumption leaned toward seeing the best in all the parties involved so i'm not a complete goon, but even at the age of fifty-four, i'm still dumb enough to take the bait.

the road less traveled is contrary to the path of least resistance. most of us enjoy believing we are one thing when quite often we show up as another. since fatherhood has never really been an option, i created an alternate universe to fit my personal narrative. though we may feel the love of many, for those of us on the road less traveled, we often walk alone.

recently i wrote an article on my spa adventure in miami beach. i took lots of pictures and wrote glowing reviews. what trip advisor refers to as a "solo" trip, i am becoming quite the solo traveler. how delicious it can be to spend a few days alone by the pool reading book without distraction. no obligations. no agendas. just burgers, fries and ice-cream sandwiches. no matter what it looked like on social media, there was nothing fabulous about the experience except the experience itself. for me, being blissfully alone with beautiful surroundings for a few days is all i ever need to send me happily back home. i travel not simply for escape but for inspiration, new surroundings, cultural shift and proportion. to escape being plain old me with all my definitions and titles and responsibilities is to be free. when i am away, what i do in normal life does not matter. it is not a topic of my conversations. all definitions have no bearing. alone, i am enough.

of course i continue to want relationships with my entire family, but at some point we need to ask ourselves "how much is anyone really going to change"? my mom used to say that i was the truth teller in the family. she said it in a droll tone that went with a particularly dour expression on her face. in reality, i think my mom was the only person in our family who recognized what life might feel like from my perspective. i miss the special place she carved out for me within our family. only time will tell how things shake out. though we are all busier than ever, i am confident my prospects are very good. i will continue to encourage my family to stay engaged in my day-to-day life as it unfolds. my hope is that they will join me in my universe from time to time, put on an aprons and roll up their sleeves. it is the only way, i believe connections truly hold. to embrace the things we can experience together. it's how my nieces and nephews came to know me growing up. it is how i hope their children will come to know me as well. and of course i will continue to take my place at the table for births, deaths, christenings, weddings and the odd holiday. that's a given. contributing in a meaningful way is the riddle i attempt to solve.